Hello Beauties,
How many of you know that prayer is the answer to all of life's questions? Well, I always had a hard time keeping a routine when it came to prayer. So about 5 years ago, I began to journal my prayers. I realized that writing them down really worked for me. As a result, today I have lots of notebooks that I have filled from cover to cover with worship, prayers and petitions. What I love about prayer journals is that
1. I am able to really share with God exactly what I am feeling. My love for Him, my frustrations, my fears, and even my dark secrets. Sometimes I find it difficult to do this otherwise, and
2. Every now and then I get to go back to past prayer journals and re-read them. I love re-reading them because I am able to see how God answers prayers and how He has transformed me from the inside out!
A couple of weeks ago, I was re-reading prayers from one particular journal I wrote 4 years ago. April 2014 to be exact. Some of my entries are hard for me to re-read because I remember them so vividly. Especially how I was feeling.
Here are screens shots of a particular prayer that to this day still makes me cry.
(sorry for the sloppy hand writing)
I didn't fully understand it then, but as I read my 2014 journal now, I can clearly see that I was battling depression. I felt terrible on the inside. Have you ever experienced that horrible feeling of despair that hits you in the pit of your chest so much so, that it hurts? I was overcome by immense feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. Among other things, I was riddled with feelings of loneliness. I understand now that the reason why depression had its grip on me was because I had a void in my heart. I had spent so many years unknowingly avoiding people because of my introverted nature. That now, as an adult, I found myself desperate for connection. I found myself longing for something more. I was also longing for lasting friendships which felt like they were no where to be found. Jokingly people who know me have refereed to me as the person who hates hugs. (I really don't, I just feel awkward especially if I have to initiate them. But i don't hate them) I certainly will never reject a hug and or kiss freely offered to me. But people seem to get a good laugh at my anxiety. I remember one particular day, I was in one of my moods. I had been struggling all day to hold back the tears. All I really wanted was to curl up in my bed in the dark and cry my eyes out all night long. I remember walking past my living room into the kitchen when my youngest daughter tried to run after me. But my husband stopped her. I heard him quietly tell her "Mommy is not feeling well. Leave mommy alone right now." While his intentions were good, all I could think was "If he only knew that right now, I really wish someone (specifically him) would come after me and just hug me until this awful feeling fades away." I literally felt like a little girl who was lost and alone and just needed to be hugged. Because hugs make you feel safe and secure. Something that I had not felt in a while. But over the years my introverted nature taught my husband, family, and friends to retreat from me rather than gravitate towards me. I was so ashamed of how I was feeling that I convinced myself I couldn't speak to anyone especially my husband about how I was feeling.
I spent countless hours trying to cope with my emotional pain by escaping from reality. My escape was watching chick flicks, and reading sappy love stories especially erotica. I loved getting lost in a good romance novel. Because for a while it allowed me to be somewhere else and be someone else. But once the reading stopped and reality settled back in, the aching in my heart was still there. Reading romance books and erotica may seem harmless in and of itself. But the truth is that it filled my thoughts with garbage. To the point where it didn't matter where I was (home, work, church, at a family gathering) erotic thoughts were always popping into my head. Demanding more of my time and attention. It also made me hold my husband to an unrealistic expectation. Fueling my frustration towards him even more.
In April of 2014, I began reading a beautiful book called "Captivating" by Staci and John Eldridge. If you haven't read it I highly recommend it. This book helped to understand a lot about myself. But the most incredible thing that I learned is that I am created in the image of God. You see, I have always thought of God in terms of being masculine. So whenever I thought of being created in His image, I assumed it only to mean that I am intellectual and that I have the ability to discern between what is right and wrong. After studying the book Captivating, it suddenly dawned on me on that my struggle with loneliness, my deep longing to be desired and sought after, the resounding questions in my heart such as why won't they love me? Why won't they pursue a relationship with me? Why won't they sacrifice some time to be with me? When will they choose me? All of it stemmed from one thing and one thing only. I am created in the image of God! I had a revelation that changed my entire life. I saw Jesus, asking me all the same questions?
Here are screens shots of a particular prayer that to this day still makes me cry.
(sorry for the sloppy hand writing)
(Yes, I refer to God as Daddy. Because He's my Heavenly Father 😁)
I honestly believe that I was at my personal "rock bottom" when I wrote this prayer. But I thank God that through it all, I never gave up on my prayer journal. I kept pursuing God for answers.I didn't fully understand it then, but as I read my 2014 journal now, I can clearly see that I was battling depression. I felt terrible on the inside. Have you ever experienced that horrible feeling of despair that hits you in the pit of your chest so much so, that it hurts? I was overcome by immense feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. Among other things, I was riddled with feelings of loneliness. I understand now that the reason why depression had its grip on me was because I had a void in my heart. I had spent so many years unknowingly avoiding people because of my introverted nature. That now, as an adult, I found myself desperate for connection. I found myself longing for something more. I was also longing for lasting friendships which felt like they were no where to be found. Jokingly people who know me have refereed to me as the person who hates hugs. (I really don't, I just feel awkward especially if I have to initiate them. But i don't hate them) I certainly will never reject a hug and or kiss freely offered to me. But people seem to get a good laugh at my anxiety. I remember one particular day, I was in one of my moods. I had been struggling all day to hold back the tears. All I really wanted was to curl up in my bed in the dark and cry my eyes out all night long. I remember walking past my living room into the kitchen when my youngest daughter tried to run after me. But my husband stopped her. I heard him quietly tell her "Mommy is not feeling well. Leave mommy alone right now." While his intentions were good, all I could think was "If he only knew that right now, I really wish someone (specifically him) would come after me and just hug me until this awful feeling fades away." I literally felt like a little girl who was lost and alone and just needed to be hugged. Because hugs make you feel safe and secure. Something that I had not felt in a while. But over the years my introverted nature taught my husband, family, and friends to retreat from me rather than gravitate towards me. I was so ashamed of how I was feeling that I convinced myself I couldn't speak to anyone especially my husband about how I was feeling.
I spent countless hours trying to cope with my emotional pain by escaping from reality. My escape was watching chick flicks, and reading sappy love stories especially erotica. I loved getting lost in a good romance novel. Because for a while it allowed me to be somewhere else and be someone else. But once the reading stopped and reality settled back in, the aching in my heart was still there. Reading romance books and erotica may seem harmless in and of itself. But the truth is that it filled my thoughts with garbage. To the point where it didn't matter where I was (home, work, church, at a family gathering) erotic thoughts were always popping into my head. Demanding more of my time and attention. It also made me hold my husband to an unrealistic expectation. Fueling my frustration towards him even more.
"Naida, why won't you love me?
Why won't you pursue a relationship with me?
Why won't you sacrifice some time to be with me?
When will you finally choose Me?"
The desperate yearning of my feminine heart is the SAME desperate yearning Jesus has in His heart for me. Guess what? He desperately yearns for you too. I understood that the void in my heart could only be filled by Jesus. Not by my husband, or my children, or my family, or any of my friends. Yet I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I learned that I reflect the image of God in my feminine nature. The Lord helped me to understand that the deepest yearning of my heart was placed there by God because it come from the very nature and heart of God. The yearning for more was placed there by God so that I could always remember how much He longs to be with me and show me that He loves me. My perspective changed. My understanding of who God is and how He loves me made a complete 360. I literally went from only viewing God as "Majesty" and "King" to knowing Him as the "Lover of my soul" and my "Heavenly Bridegroom". He healed my heart and He filled the deep void. Today I can declare that in Jesus, Depression no longer has a hold on me. I no longer believe that I am unworthy because I have a new name that has been given to me by my heavenly Father. Despair, helplessness and hopelessness have been replaced by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And today, I am filled with the longing to help other women understand that their femininity comes from Gods very nature, and that they are deeply loved by a God who longs to be with them and know them intimately.
Father I pray that every woman that reads this blog receive a fresh new revelation of your Love. I pray that you grant them a new perspective of who You are. They know you as King. But its time that you reveal yourself to you daughters as their Heavenly Bridegroom. As the One who is looking to sweep them off their feet and show them love like they have never known. Daddy I pray that you fill the void in their hearts. Fill them Lord until they overflow. Help them find their true connection and well being in You. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Naida
BTW,
Ladies please do not misunderstand me. My particular battle with depression was a spiritual battle that I personally had to overcome from a spiritual point. Not everyone who struggles with depression is having a spiritual battle. There are those of you who may be struggling with a clinical form of depression. If this is the case you require professional and or medical intervention. Please do not ignore what you are feeling and do not hide it from the ones you love. If the sadness lingers or if you are noticing that once every month either before, or right after you menstruate, you are getting moody and you want to cry for no reason, this is a possible indicator of a hormonal imbalance. That also goes for women who are in perimenopause or in actual menopause. Its amazing how much our hormones control the function of our body. If the hormones are off then so are you. Mental health is real and God has given us the wisdom and the resources to be able to seek professional and medical help. You do not have to live with depression. So lets be wise! Speak up about what you are going though and get the help that you need.
Naida
BTW,
Ladies please do not misunderstand me. My particular battle with depression was a spiritual battle that I personally had to overcome from a spiritual point. Not everyone who struggles with depression is having a spiritual battle. There are those of you who may be struggling with a clinical form of depression. If this is the case you require professional and or medical intervention. Please do not ignore what you are feeling and do not hide it from the ones you love. If the sadness lingers or if you are noticing that once every month either before, or right after you menstruate, you are getting moody and you want to cry for no reason, this is a possible indicator of a hormonal imbalance. That also goes for women who are in perimenopause or in actual menopause. Its amazing how much our hormones control the function of our body. If the hormones are off then so are you. Mental health is real and God has given us the wisdom and the resources to be able to seek professional and medical help. You do not have to live with depression. So lets be wise! Speak up about what you are going though and get the help that you need.
Comments
Post a Comment